Picture this: It’s day one and I am READY. This is it. This is the time it’s going to work. I am COMMITTED! I have my 80 oz. water bottle, I packed a salad for lunch, and I am sporting my brand new running shoes. Today is the day!! I head to the gym even though I feel SUPER uncomfortable and out of place. Trying my best to blend in, I immediately look for the locker room. Found it! Wait…what the…why is everyone naked? When I get skinny will I have to blow dry my hair with only a towel on my waist?? Hmmmm, seems risky. For now I hide myself in the back of the locker room AWAY from the naked skinny girls. Breathe. Ok. I know I can do this. It’s cool, I’ll just weave my way back out and find a treadmill. That way I can survey the scene without looking creepy or lost. Ready, set, go! Yeeeesssss! I made it out without making eye contact, AND found a treadmill in the back! I am feeling pretty good about myself as I set my pace and get moving. Then I see her. We all know her. She’s effortlessly perfect. She has an ass I can’t even believe is real, hair that stays perfectly in place, and just the right glisten of sweat. As I stare, she starts walking straight towards me. SHIT. I have nowhere to go, and she steps on the stair stepper right next to me. Panic sets in. This perfect girl is the LAST person that I want to be next to, but it’s too late now. So I take a deep breath and crank up the pace. I can’t have Ms. Perkypeach thinking I am new! Three minutes later, I’m dying and looking for a way to escape! I can’t let her see me quit after only three minutes!!!! Luckily someone comes up to chat with Ms. Perkypeach right before I need an ambulance! I quickly jump off, and take my exit searching for the least populated room. I go sit on a weight machine, and drink water for a minute. Oh snap!! I almost forgot to take my gym selfie! Everyone knows pic or it didn’t happen! So, I find the back mirror of the back room hidden around the back corner of a big machine and quickly snap that pic! Day 1 gym time is a wrap! Time to go eat some healthy food! I am a winner!
Fast forward to day 5… I’m getting stabby. I DO NOT want to drink anymore water. I am losing hours of my life going back and forth to the bathroom. As for the gym, Ms. Perkypeach can have it. Running on that miserable devil machine makes me feel worse than fat ever did! My body hurts in places I didn’t even know I had! Oh, and I tried Ms. Perkypeach’s stair stepper. Forget the rock hard ass, I’m lucky I didn’t lose a limb!! You know that feeling you get when you almost eat it getting on an escalator? The intense panic of impending death? It’s like that. Except if you fall off a stair stepper, you won’t die. That would be too easy. Instead, you will just get seriously maimed in front of a bunch of hot people. Terrible, just terrible. Not to mention at this point, I have been eating salads and chicken for a week. Every meal tastes like broken dreams, and sadness, and I am STILL not skinny!!! Is this even worth it?? Is this what being skinny feels like? Tired, sore, and always hungry? Screw this, I am eating what I want! Sigh. If only I were Ms. Perkypeach. She doesn’t struggle!! She has it all together. I am never gonna be her. What does it even matter anyway. I can’t live like this. It’s way too hard. I GIVE UP.
And the cycle repeated over, and over, and over.
So what changed this time? This time I realized that I COULDN’T live like that. I could not change my entire life in one day. Slow and steady wins the race. I began making changes that I knew I could handle. I drank water with meals instead of soda. I joined Weight Watchers to help me make balanced food choices instead of trying to do it on my own. I couldn’t afford to join a gym this time, so I started walking instead. Which was doable for me! Small changes led to bigger changes which eventually became healthy habits. Will I ever be Ms. Perkypeach? No, I stand firm on my beliefs about stair steppers. But it turns out being the best me is all I ever needed.
***I wrote this post today with every intention of holding onto it, and posting when my webpage looked perfect. I put it aside, and started trying to fix my theme and arrange my page. I got so frustrated because I have no idea how to do that stuff!! I threw in the towel, and even thought “Maybe I can’t even do this blogging thing.” I decided that at least I could edit this post. And as I reread it, I realized that maybe I wrote it to myself. This is my day 1. I will not try to do more than I am capable. I will take it one step at a time, and celebrate the journey. If you are still reading this, HI! My name is Jenn, and this is my first post. I am posting it to my ugly, unfinished blog because TODAY IS THE DAY! I AM COMMITTED! Day 1: 1/11/19 Let’s do this!***